then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
