but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Mom said you looked used
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
