Where did you get a picture of my penis
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
