I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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