Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
