i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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