I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
