By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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