FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
