Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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