There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
