i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
