My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
