i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
