if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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