What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
