i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize