Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
