i may or may not be watching the land before time
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
