you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
