How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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