Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
