Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
