I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
