I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
