DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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