now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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