If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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