i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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