I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
