Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
