3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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