She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
