Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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