I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
