My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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