'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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