I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
