It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
