I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
