This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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