I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
