why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
