You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
