i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
