My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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