So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
