Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
