do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
