They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
