Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
