i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
