On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
