The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize