how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
