I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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