im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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